As I gazed out of the basement window, I couldn’t help but stare in amazement at the snow falling. It was Christmas time and to others it made it all the more festive but it just bugged me. Christmas was a time of the year that I dreaded. And the snow for some reason seemed to exaggerate my emotions. I made me detest the human race for attaching sentiment to weather.
I could hear my playmate struggling against the restraints of the cling film. He was scared and sweating. That made me feel good. My shiny toys were shimmering under the glare of the spot lights. The snow was stealing my concentration.
With purpose I strode over to my little friends and decided that I had to deal with the feeble human I had chosen to play with. As I picked up the biggest, sharpest instrument. I couldn’t help but be more than a little distracted by the crisp white snow lurking outside of my playroom. I needed to focus on the task at hand but it just wouldn’t stay. It wasn’t be first time I had done this and I knew for certain that it wouldn’t be the last. But the whiteness was stealing my usually calm thoughts. I had to focus before it was too late. So without a second thought, I walked over to the runt and started slashing as fast as I could.
Even when he took his finally breath I carried on, as if I was filled with such rage and fury. And before I realised what I had done the feeling subsided and I felt relief. The mess was horrific but I would deal with that later. While I was still dripping with blood, I made my way outside and let it leave crimson stains on the blankets of snow. It made me smile. It made the voice inside my quiet, for now.
I copied this from a friend’s Tumblr page but I thought I would write it here as there would be more space to answer the questions. Plus I think Tumblr is for pretty pictures.
- 01: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Single. For now it is something that I am quiet content with, as I feel that sometimes, especially today, I do not feel emotional stable enough to be able to handle it. I just need to find out who I am before I cna be with someone.
- 02: Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
I would hopefully like to be living in Australia or Cornwall, either settling down into married life or still making a pathway in the career that I want to have. I think living away from my hometown is going to play a big part in my long term future as i find it suffocating and I want to live somewhere that makes me feel inspired.
- 03: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Alcohol I have no issues with because if it is something that is enjoyed in moderation then I believe that it should not be seen as a bad thing. Drugs on the other hand I do take some issue with as I know what it is like to be close to someone that has had to go through rehab. It’s not nice and it’s not easy to cope with. But I believe that if something like marijuana can be used for medical purposes then that is something that I whole heartily agree with.
- 04: Your views on religion.
To be honest, I think all religion is just mass brainwashing. I watched a show recently that said that every single person on this planet is engrained to believe what they are told. There is no reason why people cannot say they believe in God because it makes them happy, instead of trying to look for a pattern that isn’t there. God and religion is just something that I do not believe in.
- 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
There have been several actually. It was not so much that I wanted to die, but I felt that I didn’t want to be around anymore. I thought that it would easy my pain and would be an easy escape, for want of a better word. But I have felt what it is like to love someone who made the choice to end their own life. It’s not some much that you want to end your suffering but you don’t realize how much pain you are causing the people to leave behind. It is cowardly yet strong if that makes any sense at all. It’s such a taboo subject that no one is willing to talk about.
- 06:Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
- I can knit.
- I love baking and cooking.
- Photograhpy is my secret talent and passion.
- I always wanted to be a chef.
- I can retain stupid amounts of film quotes.
- I have a collection of vinyl records.
- I love anything to do with tattoos.
- I am the second oldest out of five children. There is a 21 year age gap between me and my youngest brother.
- I have to make lists for everything.
- I have an unhealthy obsession with zombies.
- My first tattoo was done by Frank Carter (Lead singer of Pure Love)
- I love anything to do with Batman.
- Even though it was out 12 years before I was born. Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my all time favourite films.
- I am overly sentimental.
- I tend to hoard.
- I have a wall in my room that is covered in photos of me and my friends.
- My ultimate dream is to travel the world.
- For some reason I have a good sense of direction.
- I find using the tube in London far too easy.
- I enjoy reading books about physics.
- I had to go to a special nursery for a year before I went to a mainstream one. What can I say I had issues from an early age.
I know it say 30 but I have ran out of interesting facts about myself.
- 07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Libra. And yes it most certainly does. These are the traits that go along with my sign.
- Desires popularity
- Loves art
- Dresses up for the occasion
- Slight perfectionist
- Bossy at times
- Plans ahead
- Attention to detail
- Loves public service
I can definitely that I tick most of those boxes. The only one that it doesn’t mention is being indecisive. Which I think is my biggest flaw.
- 08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
When I collected my degree on my graduation day. Walking across that stage knowing that my three years of hard work had finally paid off. It was the first time in my life that I had realized I had made the right choice.
- 09: How you hope your future will be like.
I don’t know as I believe that we cannot plan or control what happnens in the future, all I do hope for is to achieve the goals I have set out for myself. And that I finally find out who I am.
- 10: Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Both of these were some time ago so my memory of them is a little sketchy. Let’s not go into anymore detail.
- 11: Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
My Chemical Romance – This Is The Best Day Ever
Limp Bizkit – My Way
50 Lions – Locrian
CKY – Attached At The Hip
Will Smith – Men In Black
Alkaline Trio – Madame Me
Trashlight Vision – Allergic To You
Misery Signals -In Summary Of What I am
Less Than Jake – Hopeless Case
Jessie J – Domino12:Bullet your whole day.
- Got woken up at an ungodly hour by my little brother screaming.
- Got washed and dressed.
- Made a massive cup of coffee.
- Watched the X factor results show
- Caught the bus to work.
- Did my normal routine at work.
- Bough wrapping paper
- Got bus home
- Wrapped christmas presents
- Started doing this quiz.
- 13: Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Ideally it would be Bondi in Australia but I would happily settle for somewhere near the beach in Cornwall.
- 14: Your earliest memory.
They probably involve me and my older brother building forts in the living room. Using sheets, the clothes horse and the snooker table. Also sliding down the stairs in my quilt.
- 15: Your favorite tumblrs.
I don’t really have a favourite one. I love them all.
- 16: Your views on mainstream music.
Some of it I don’t mind listening to for example I love Professor Green and Jessie J. If it is on the radio at work then I don’t mind listening to it and singing along if I know the words. But there is things that I absolutely refuse to listen to. Such as all the mass produced boy bands and dance music because to me it all sounds the same.
- 17: Your highs and lows of this past year.
High points: Seeing Every Time I Die on Halloween dressed as a zombie with one of my closest friends. Seeing my best friend get married. Travelling down south and realizing how much I love it down there.
Low points: My dad’s other half moving in. Finding out I’ve got asthma again. The possibility of having an op on my knee. Not seeing my mum enough.
- 18: Your beliefs.
I believe that everything you do has karmic value and that you should always treat other people how you would expect to be treated. It’s sort of like Physics. You should always remember that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
- 19: Disrespecting your parents.
This is something that I cannot stand. I would never knowingly disrespect either of my parents, even though my relationship with my mum significantly outweighs the relationship I have with my dad. we may have had our problems in the past but it has never been something that wasn’t easily set right.
- 20: How important you think education is.
I think it is extremely important because not only does it teach Maths, English and Science but it also the place where you learn to bond with people, make life long friends and get social interaction that you probably wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else. It also gives you a better future because it teaches you to work hard for the things you want.
- 21: One of your favorite shows.
It has to be Dexter. It is such a brilliant show. It could also be classed as a social experiment as you know he is a serial killer and he is doing bad thing but you cannot help but root for him every time he nearly gets caught. Essentially he is one of the bad guys but you can’t help but love him. Plus Michael C Hall is a fantastic actor.
- 22: How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Hard to see really. I think I have started to put myself first. I was forever putting the needs and feelings of others before my own. I have learnt to stand my ground and say no when there is something that I don’t want to do.
- 23:Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
- 24: Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Rocknrolla. I think it is my favourite because it has got everything you want from a film; action, comedy, romance, and it is the only film I have ever seen that has a gay gangster in it, who goes by the name of Handsome Bob!
- 25: Someone who fascinates you and why.
The author Chuck Palahniuk. The main reason is because his books are the most twisted, sickening books I have ever read but at the same time they are so engaging that you find them hard to put down. After reading almost all of his books. I can safely say the Haunted is my favourite as it combines poetry and short stories with blood, guts and cannibalism.
- 26: What kind of person attracts you.
Someone who is funny, that likes to talk but is also good at listening. Has to have tattoos and maybe a beard. Be taller than me and can cooks and likes his food.
- 27: A problem that you have had.
Trying to find out who I am. Slowly but surely I think I am getting there.
- 28: Something that you miss.
It’s not an object but people. My best friend who lives in Cornwall and my mum who lives in Lincolnshire. I feel torn between wanting to be closer to the both of them.
- 29: Goals for the next 30 days.
Get tattooed. Survive a hellish Christmas day dinner. Keep on track with my weight loss. Make plans for the New Year. Make New Years Resolutions that I will never keep. Find out what is going on with my knee.
- 30: Your highs and lows of this month.
No high points just low ones. Seems like everything is starting to get better then it all goes to shit again.
As I started to open my eyes, I was faintly aware of the birds tweeting and then the sound of rain. It was a welcomed and refreshing noise. And I knew that the rain would mean there would be less of those things out on the streets. After a few moments of pondering what my next plan of attack would be. My reverie was interrupted by my host. He entered the room carrying two mugs of coffee. I had never felt more touched by such a small gesture. I savoured the smell and taste. As we both sat in blissful silence enjoying a small moment of total normality. He asked me what I planned to do next. And I told him that I honestly didn’t know.
He told me that he no longer felt safe here after what happened last night. He said he wanted to come with me. After deliberating for a second, I decided that I could do with the help and the company. It meant I would be able to keep a grip on what was left of my sanity. So after pottering around for a while, we both convened at the dining room table, to look at a map and decided on where we wanted to go and how the hell we planned on getting there. After a long conversation and a few awkward silences, we decided on Cornwall.
Before we became too comfortable again, we made a hasty exit. But instead of going out the way we came in last night, we headed in the opposite direction. Instead of heading down the expansive stairwell. We went up, all the way up to the top floor. I want to ask where we were going but I was too apprehensive and out of breath to ask, so I was willingly following a stranger. Even though he had given me shelter, I still didn’t know his name and in all honesty I was to afraid to ask.
As we trudged along to the last door of the corridor. He then began to explain that we were heading to the roof, from there we would cross from building to building. I was just about to ask him how but he began to quickly explain that as soon as he had heard about the outbreak. He began constructing walkways which connected each rooftop. I guess now wasn’t the time to mention I was terrified of heights!
As I left the cover of the field and came out between two block of flats. I saw a man, not much older than myself, take out the last walker out of a group of about 10. Before I had chance to catch my breath, he had a machete to my throat demanding to know who I was and where I had come from. I managed to stutter out a satisfactory answer as he took a step back and motioned for me to follow him. It took a while for my brain to relay the message so I had to jog to catch him up. I was trying to process what had just happened. As we walked neither of us said a word, there was just the far off bang of gun fire and the click-clack of our footfalls. We entered the tower block on the far right and made a start for the stairs. We being walking up and up. It just seemed to go on and on. Finally we reached the 13th floor. Part of me wished the lift had been working because my body was finding it hard to relax after that climb. Still not speak, I followed the man in to a door at the far end of the corridor.
As we both entered the flat, I couldn’t help but notice the planks of wood nailed across the windows or the half melted candles the littered the entire living room. He asked me to sit on the sofa, I sat down and he took a seat in the chair opposite me. As we sat in the silent room, a million questions were running through my mind. But before I could ask any of them, he was explaining how we ended up here and that he was once part of a group but they had all met their demise between here and the place they once called home. As he finished I began to tell him my story, from seeing my parents turn into walkers to ditching my car not to far away from where we are at this exact moment. We both eventually ran out of things to say, I noticed that it was dark outside. The sort of night time sky that made you want to turn all the lights on and lock the door. As the kind stranger got up to leave, he told me to sleep, he walked out of the door and returned moments later with a pillow and blanket. I managed to thank him for his generosity. He bade me goodnight. As I heard his heavy footsteps in the room above me, I felt myself drifting off to sleep.
After a long conversation on the phone the other night, with my mum. I have finally realized my dream and I am going to do it next year. No more excuses, no more planning for years down the line. It is time do it. And I know that all the shit that has gone on these past few months and that is still going on, will be totally worth it. I need this and I know that it is going to change my life. For the better. There are things that I need to get in order before I officially know that I am going. But they will be but minor speed bumps in the grand scheme of things.
As my sadness started to subside, I pushed him away from me and forced myself back into the chair I had previously been occupying. I started to wipe my eyes with my sleeve. I was holding back more tears as he aimlessly stood in the mess I had made on the floor. I had the words in my head but my tongue and brain weren’t working in sync. The clock was still ticking away adding a depressing cadence to this painful situation. I abruptly pushed the chair away and went to the kitchen window and fixed my eyes on the end of out garden. I felt like I was stuck in a time loop. Destined to play out the same scene over and over again because I felt too useless and afraid to break this awful silence.
The weather outside seemed to sum up the storm between us. Neither of us talking or moving, just frozen in place. Like uncomfortable statues, placed in the drab corner of a museum that no-one ever seems to visit. Just growing older and looking weary from all the cards that we have been dealt. Like somehow we need a re-invention. But we neither had the power nor the intelligence to do so. Time kept passing with us standing mere centimetres apart but somehow it felt like a whole canyon.
I scrambled from my chair to pick up the shards of my cup. The smell of coffee filled my nostrils and as I picked up a large chunk. I cut my finger. As the blood began to flow, I could feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. Not the kind that can be discreetly wiped away before anyone notices. No, these were big fat tears that left tracks down my face and splashed onto the floor. Mixing with the coffee and broken cup.
I felt like i was looking at our relationship. Sure the pieces were broken but I was positive that there was some way that they could be fixed and glued back together. But when I looked up at him, still more interested in his jumper. Just as I looked back at the mess I had purposely made, I could feel those sea-blue eyes of his staring straight into my soul. And before I knew it, I could feel the warmth of his body near mine. Again I made to start to pick up the pieces. I felt his hand cover mine and that is when I let the sobs take over me.