The East Wind Blows

I closed my eyes as I felt the cold east wind blow against my face. I could feel the sting make my eyes water. The Greek call the east wind Eurus. Always seemed like a strange name to me but a name I liked. I felt the snow start to fall and it bought a strange memory to my mind. One I had not recalled in a long time. It felt fuzzy, like watching an old movie on a reel. It made me frown as I tried to pull it into focus. Despite the biting wind, I forced my eyes to open. The snowflakes were whirling above my head. I pulled the collar of my coat up to try and hide myself from the horrid weather. I turned to walk in the direction I needed to go. Which, unfortunately for me was into the east wind. A place I didn’t want to go. To face something unknown. That memory kept flashing in front of my eyes. It felt like a jigsaw puzzle with several pieces missing and I didn’t know where they were hiding. The winding muddy path eventually gave way to the ruins of a house and beyond that my car.

Seeing my car made me walk a little quicker. The car meant warmth and escaping from the east wind, which I felt was chasing me, haunting me even. As I climbed into my car, I turned the heating on full and sat there enjoying the warmth. The cold had made my bones ache. But there was something about winter . It reminded me of my humanity. Although it was a reminder I didn’t like. Emotions are what make people weak and weakness can be leveraged. I’d learnt that the hard way. I started the car and drove away. Watching the ruins of the house get smaller and smaller. The sight stirred something in my soul. I was drawn to this place and I didn’t understand why. The drive back home was slow and full of purpose. I parked in my usual spot but didn’t feel the satisfaction that made my OCD subside. It made me feel uneasy. Like I was about to meet a monster. I turned the engine off and sat with both hands gripping the stirring wheel. My mind was racing and it didn’t seem to be slowing.

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the noise of the city. Focussing on each individual sound. With each sound fading in and out, like the ebb and flow of the sea. A knock on the window brought me out of my daydream and crashing back into reality. It wasn’t anyone. I knew it was someone looking for a reaction. I ignored him and went back into my mind. The ruined house and the howling east wind came whirling back to me. It was now starting to bother me. They are no use to me. They didn’t have place so they needed to leave me in peace. But part of me wanted to know why they were being so intrusive. No thought had entered my mind without a reason. After what seemed like a lifetime. I left the car and headed inside. I climbed the creaky staircase to my flat. My place of solitude. Everything was where I wanted. Bullet holes in the wall and a skull on the mantel. I talked to the skull when I needed to vent. It was almost like my best friend.

Friends are something I have. But I liked my life that way. I didn’t enjoy the emotions and attachments that come along with friendships and relationship. I liked loneliness. It was a feeling I enjoyed and understood. It fitted my life like an old jumper. I knew every inch of it and I shouldn’t. It had been told my entire life that I should have friends but none of them understood me and the way I thought or my obsessive behaviours. As an adult though, I thrived on loneliness. I forced all those thoughts from my mind. I need caffeine. So, I slipped my shoes off because I didn’t want my upstairs neighbour to know that I was home. I padded my way into my old fashioned kitchen, turned my Aga on, filled the kettle and let it boil. The sound of the water boiling was a calming familiarity. As the whistling grew louder and louder, it bought a wry smile to my face. I got out my favourite mug and made myself a cup of black coffee.

I traced my footsteps back into the living room and sat in my favourite chair, facing the window. This gave me a tiny glimpse into the city. I sat staring at the cityscape and savouring every sip of coffee. The sounds of footsteps above my head, shattered my tranquillity. The footsteps got heavier and louder as they crossed the landing and made their way down the old staircase. I wasn’t in the mood for this. My neighbour was pleasant enough but he was dull and didn’t understand my subtle hints for him to leave me alone. Conversations with him left me filling unfulfilled. But, I will admit, there were times when the monotonous tone of his voice bought me some moments of clarity. Which, is what I was craving on a day like today. He came in and flopped down in the chair directly opposite me. He, then proceeded to talk and I lost myself in the highs and lows of his voice. I could feel my eyes beginning to close. The sound of his voice becoming fainter and fainter.

The ruins of the old house came into focus and I began to feel that familiar wind howl at my back. Like a wolf howling at the full moon. This vision felt so real that I felt a shiver run down my spine. I even felt my hair move in the wind. The sound of a smashing cup brought me out of my daydream and crashing back into reality. My neighbour was on his hands and knees, attempting to pick up the broken pieces. All I could do was sit there and stare. Blinking every so often. Before I found any words, he uttered an apology and ran from the room and headed back up the stairs. I tried to figure out what had just happened but I pushed it all from my mind when I heard my doorbell ring. I pulled myself from the chair and ambled to the stairs. Only to be met by a woman dressed in a bright yellow raincoat. Her appearance startled me, mainly because it wasn’t raining and that the colour was so vivid. Especially on this dull winters day. Before I could ask her name, she barged passed me and continued a mad dash up to the top of the house.

This was turning out to be a strange sort of day. God only knows what the night will bring.

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Let’s break the taboo…

Ive not been on here in a year and for some reason, it makes me feel really nostalgic. So I thought while I have some time before I start my new job that I would do a new post and I decided to make it about something that most people are willing to talk about and still se as a taboo: suicide. 

I think what prompted me to talk about it is the documentary I watched Professor Green: Suicide and Me. It was a documentary in which he talked about his dad’s death, the effect it had on him and the, quiet frankly, high rate of male suicides. It’s something I recommend everyone watch as its both sad and eye opening. For me this is a topic that’s close to my heart. Someone close to me, took their own life ten years ago. So I thought I’d talk about how it made me feel and how the show answered some of the questions that I still have so bear with me.

I can remember the day I got the news, it’s something that will leave with me until the day I die. I should have been celebrating, getting my A level results and getting in to university, but I couldn’t. The news broke my heart and the fact that my mum needed me and I was so far away didn’t make it any easier to deal with. The first emotion I felt was pure anger, wondering how someone could be so fucking selfish. I couldn’t and still can’t comprehend the reason for someone taking their own life. The pain it leaves behind is something that never subsides, it just gets easier to deal with. The hardest part is accepting that it’s was their choice and that they weren’t suffering any more. 

The documentary was beautifully honest and to have a celebrity talk about the affects this had on his life and that he had questions that needed answering was something I could relate and it was so brave of the men, also in the show, being so honest and open about their feelings and the way suicide has had an impact on them. From talking to survivors to people that had lost family members. For most, especially men, it’s still such a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be. We should all be given the opportunity to express our feelings even on our darkest days. We all deserve a chance at life and things do get better, but all it takes is time.

The show answered the one big question that I had and that was why? Why would a person do that to themselves? And there isn’t an answer to it, it’s just something that we have to accept, and understand that it isn’t selfish. In many ways, it’s  a brave act, when you can’t see a way out. It’s the ones that get left behind that feel the pain. And the fact that we can cry to each other and share the good times and the bad times. And remember the person they were and not how their life ended. 

So to anyone out there reading this, know that you are not alone. And maybe one day when can turn this in to a subject, people aren’t afraid to talk to.

In case anyone needs someone to talk to: http://www.samaritans.org

And the documentary that inspired the post: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b06mvx4j/professor-green-suicide-and-me

Thank you to Professor Green for being brave enough to openly talk about this issue. 
Continue reading Let’s break the taboo…

A wonderful trip to Manchester

Well I thought I should write about a wonderfully exciting trip to Manchester that I took last week with my best friend Leanne. The reason for us undertaking a three hour bus ride up north was to see the wonderful beguiling Amanda Palmer. We both share a mutual love of her music which is hard to define. And I think the best way to sum it up is that Amanda Palmer is Amanda Palmer. She is so much more that a singer or a member of a band. Anyway back to the trip. We heard that she was touring so on a whim we decided we would make the journey just to be in her presence.

It all began at derby bus station, where we tried not to wet ourselves and behave like adults. But we nearly exploded with excitement when we saw that we would be journeying through the Peak District on a double decker bus. We sat right at the front, it was wonderful journey filled with beautiful sights and singalongs to My Chemical Romance and Avenged Sevenfold. We also decided at when we get older we are going to work at the mcvities biscuit factory. We arrived at the bus station and made our way to the hostel. Last time we stayed there we got proper lost but this time I had magic navigational skills and we got there without any problems.

We checked in, dumped our bags in he room, said a brief hello to our room mate, then we left. We spent the afternoon meandering through Afflecks, which involved sticking our hands in lucky dip toilets and buying tiny hats. While we were out I managed to purchase a Sonic Screwdriver I almost died when I bought it but I digress. We eventually went in search of food. We returned to our room for an epic floor picnic. Which featured the most amazing Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Despite the disgusting heat and the sweaty underboob-ness of the whole afternoon. We managed to transform our self it to beautiful creatures. After our rapid transformation we left the room in search of a taxi and a cash point. Both were found and we head to the venue.

As we entered, it hit me that the venue was silent and all I could think to myself was fuck we miss it. But as we worked towards the stage, my eyes were drawn to a voice and a ukulele coming from the balcony, and there she stood the women we had journeyed so far to see. Never before had something moved me in such a happy way. From that moment on I knew we were in for a good show. After getting up heads around what we had just seen, we bought drinks and awesome merch before taking our place at the front.

Instead of having to stand through the usual crap of support bands, Amanda had used members of her own band, the fantastically named Grand Theft Orchestra. If you want to know more i suggest you use google! There was never a dull minute. There was always a story to be told or someone coming out to make us aware of a worthy cause. Eventually it was time for the main attraction.

Amanda burst out on to the stage and played a few songs from her new album, Theatre Is Evil. As well as a few classics such as Oasis, Astronaut and Map Of Tasmania. All song passionately sung not only Amanda but by every member of the audience. Things took a slower pace when she played a new song which I think is called Bigger On The Inside. And I am not ashamed to say, it was such a beautiful song, that I cried. And I knew Leanne was doing the same. They weren’t tears of sadness but of relating to the lyrics and knowing that even up there on a stage, she is just a normal person with feelings. The feels stayed because it was followed by The Bed Song. I cried even more and held hands with Leanne. She was the only one I would have wanted to share that moment with. Also thrown into the mix were Morrissey and Pulp covers. The show ended on a high note as she closed with The Ukulele Anthem. Which made me want to play the ukulele.

We left the venue on such a high and I can safely say that it was one of the best gigs I have ever been to. Amanda informed us that she would be doing s signing after the show. So we waited outside, trying to be calm and quiet as we possible could. Anyway to cut a long story short, she came out and she was wonderful enough to sign our tickets and take photos of us. And she gave Leanne that biggest ever hug. We walked away to find a taxi and it felt like we were walking on air.

We were still in shock as we travelled back to the hostel. After scrubbing off the make up and putting on slippers and pyjamas, we went and had the longest most intense game of Jenga ever. There s photographic evidence!

The next morning arrived all too abruptly. We consumed breakfast still on a high from the night before. After purchasing more amazing doughnuts, we headed back to the bus station, happy that we got to ride a double decker on the way back. We napped, listened to music, read crappy magazines which were also used as fans. All in all it was a brilliant two days. And I am so glad I got to share it with my best friend.

We did take pictures but I am typing this on my iPad so if yo want to go look at them they are on Facebook and Instagram.

Collating my thoughts.

I have been mulling over this post for a past few days and decided that while I had some free time I would knuckle down and do a new post. So this post is dedicated to two of my closest friends.

I shall start with Zerine (even though I know she won’t be able to read it)

We met almost seven years ago in our first year of uni. It seemed strange that I would bond so quickly with someone after I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t make any new friends. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We have had some crazy times ranging from getting drunk on St Patrick’s day in the uni bar to getting tattooed together. But I guess what really solidified our friendship was when we moved in together. It was a lovely flat, right in the middle of Belper. We had a house party, got cats and went off many midnight walks. Eventually things changed and love took her all the way to Cornwall. At first it killed me to see someone I classed as my sister to be so far away. But in time my wounds healed and I could see how happy he made her. It also means I now get to visit her in Cornwall and I fucking love it down there! But I think the highlight came last year, when she got married and kindly asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I was so touched and honoured by this request. I am not ashamed to say that I cried. It was a lovely day and I was so happy to have been included in it. Although the hangover the next day was disgusting (I am never touching Champagne again!) So despite the massive distance we talk on the phone and talk like we are sitting right next to each other. I should end this by thanking her for bringing me out of my shell. It’s weird to think how I was when I first started uni. Think I am finally finding out who I really I am.

And last but by no means least is the lovely Leanne.

I think I have to say that it was fate that bought us together. I think we met about 3 years ago when we were both wasting our live in Asda. Despite it being a job from hell, we had a mutual love of Spongebob and Every Time I Die. It meant the shifts that we had together we more fun and didn’t actually feel like working in hell with Satan for a boss. Since then we both have left and moved on to new jobs and new things but it hasn’t stopped us from causing havoc wherever we go. Like the day in Leicester, and bought random t-shirts and drank an unhealthy amount of coffee (I fell in love with frappuccinos that day!) Things went from good to freakin’ awesome when we decided to go to Leeds to go to the Slam Dunk festival. Mainly to see ETID. Needless to say it turned into a weekend of sweaty awesomeness and massive hangovers.We then did it all again when we decided to see them in Manchester, on Halloween, while we were dressed as zombies. It was so good. Playing Top Trumps in our hostel room. The only downside was the bus ride back to Derby. It was tense and far too long. We now share a mutual love of wigs, and we recently had a wig day and I cannot wait to get the pictures back from the disposible camera that I have been taking all over the place. I cannot wait till we go on another adventure just because we can or because we are going to kidnap Mr Keith Buckly.

I feel better for getting that out of my brain 🙂

Snow storm

As I gazed out of the basement window, I couldn’t help but stare in amazement at the snow falling. It was Christmas time and to others it made it all the more festive but it just bugged me. Christmas was a time of the year that I dreaded. And the snow for some reason seemed to exaggerate my emotions. I made me detest the human race for attaching sentiment to weather.

I could hear my playmate struggling against the restraints of the cling film. He was scared and sweating. That made me feel good. My shiny toys were shimmering under the glare of the spot lights. The snow was stealing my concentration.

With purpose I strode over to my little friends and decided that I had to deal with the feeble human I had chosen to play with. As I picked up the biggest, sharpest instrument. I couldn’t help but be more than a little distracted by the crisp white snow lurking outside of my playroom. I needed to focus on the task at hand but it just wouldn’t stay. It wasn’t be first time I had done this and I knew for certain that it wouldn’t be the last. But the whiteness was stealing my usually calm thoughts. I had to focus before it was too late. So without a second thought, I walked over to the runt and started slashing as fast as I could.

Even when he took his finally breath I carried on, as if I was filled with such rage and fury. And before I realised what I had done the feeling subsided and I felt relief. The mess was horrific but I would deal with that later. While I was still dripping with blood, I made my way outside and let it leave crimson stains on the blankets of snow. It made me smile. It made the voice inside my quiet, for now.

Quiz thing

I copied this from a friend’s Tumblr page but I thought I would write it here as there would be more space to answer the questions. Plus I think Tumblr is for pretty pictures.

  • 01: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
    Single. For now it is something that I am quiet content with, as I feel that sometimes, especially today, I do not feel emotional stable enough to be able to handle it. I just need to find out who I am before I cna be with someone.
  • 02: Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
    I would hopefully like to be living in Australia or Cornwall, either settling down into married life or still making a pathway in the career that I want to have. I think living away from my hometown is going to play a big part in my long term future as i find it suffocating and I want to live somewhere that makes me feel inspired.
  • 03: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
    Alcohol I have no issues with because if it is something that is enjoyed in moderation then I believe that it should not be seen as a bad thing. Drugs on the other hand I do take some issue with as I know what it is like to be close to someone that has had to go through rehab. It’s not nice and it’s not easy to cope with. But I believe that if something like marijuana can be used for medical purposes then that is something that I whole heartily agree with.
  • 04: Your views on religion.
    To be honest, I think all religion is just mass brainwashing. I watched a show recently that said that every single person on this planet is engrained to believe what they are told. There is no reason why people cannot say they believe in God because it makes them happy, instead of trying to look for a pattern that isn’t there. God and religion is just something that I do not believe in.

  • 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
    There have been several actually. It was not so much that I wanted to die, but I felt that I didn’t want to be around anymore. I thought that it would easy my pain and would be an easy escape, for want of a better word. But I have felt what it is like to love someone who made the choice to end their own life. It’s not some much that you want to end your suffering but you don’t realize how much pain you are causing the people to leave behind. It is cowardly yet strong if that makes any sense at all. It’s such a taboo subject that no one is willing to talk about.
  • 06:Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
    1. I can knit.
    2. I love baking and cooking.
    3. Photograhpy is my secret talent and passion.
    4. I always wanted to be a chef.
    5. I can retain stupid amounts of film quotes.
    6. I have a collection of vinyl records.
    7. I love anything to do with tattoos.
    8. I am the second oldest out of five children. There is a 21 year age gap between me and my youngest brother.
    9. I have to make lists for everything.
    10. I have an unhealthy obsession with zombies.
    11. My first tattoo was done by Frank Carter (Lead singer of Pure Love)
    12. I love anything to do with Batman.
    13. Even though it was out 12 years before I was born. Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my all time favourite films.
    14. I am overly sentimental.
    15. I tend to hoard.
    16. I have a wall in my room that is covered in photos of me and my friends.
    17. My ultimate dream is to travel the world.
    18. For some reason I have a good sense of direction.
    19. I find using the tube in London far too easy.
    20. I enjoy reading books about physics.
    21. I had to go to a special nursery for a year before I went to a mainstream one. What can I say I had issues from an early age.

      I know it say 30 but I have ran out of interesting facts about myself.

  • 07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
    Libra. And yes it most certainly does. These are the traits that go along with my sign.

    • Desires popularity
    • Loves art
    • Neat
    • Dresses up for the occasion
    • Slight perfectionist
    • Narcissism
    • Charitable
    • Bossy at times
    • Plans ahead
    • Attention to detail
    • Loves public service

      I can definitely that I tick most of those boxes. The only one that it doesn’t mention is being indecisive. Which I think is my biggest flaw.

  • 08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
    When I collected my degree on my graduation day. Walking across that stage knowing that my three years of hard work had finally paid off. It was the first time in my life that I had realized I had made the right choice.

  • 09: How you hope your future will be like.
    I don’t know as I believe that we cannot plan or control what happnens in the future, all I do hope for is to achieve the goals I have set out for myself. And that I finally find out who I am.
  • 10: Discuss your first love and first kiss.
    Both of these were some time ago so my memory of them is a little sketchy. Let’s not go into anymore detail.

  • 11: Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
    My Chemical Romance – This Is The Best Day Ever
    Limp Bizkit – My Way
    50 Lions – Locrian
    CKY – Attached At The Hip
    Will Smith – Men In Black
    Alkaline Trio – Madame Me
    Trashlight Vision – Allergic To You
    Misery Signals -In Summary Of What I am
    Less Than Jake – Hopeless Case
    Jessie J – Domino
    12:Bullet your whole day.

    • Got woken up at an ungodly hour by my little brother screaming.
    • Got washed and dressed.
    • Made a massive cup of coffee.
    • Watched the X factor results show
    • Caught the bus to work.
    • Did my normal routine at work.
    • Bough wrapping paper
    • Got bus home
    • Wrapped christmas presents
    • Started doing this quiz. 
  • 13: Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
    Ideally it would be Bondi in Australia but I would happily settle for somewhere near the beach in Cornwall. 
  • 14: Your earliest memory.
    They probably involve me and my older brother building forts in the living room. Using sheets, the clothes horse and the snooker table. Also sliding down the stairs in my quilt.
  • 15: Your favorite tumblrs.
    I don’t really have a favourite one. I love them all.
  • 16: Your views on mainstream music.
    Some of it I don’t mind listening to for example I love Professor Green and Jessie J. If it is on the radio at work then I don’t mind listening to it and singing along if I know the words. But there is things that I absolutely refuse to listen to. Such as all the mass produced boy bands and dance music because to me it all sounds the same.
  • 17: Your highs and lows of this past year.
    High points: Seeing Every Time I Die on Halloween dressed as a zombie with one of my closest friends. Seeing my best friend get married. Travelling down south and realizing how much I love it down there.
    Low points: My dad’s other half moving in. Finding out I’ve got asthma again. The possibility of having an op on my knee. Not seeing my mum enough.
  • 18: Your beliefs.
    I believe that everything you do has karmic value and that you should always treat other people how you would expect to be treated. It’s sort of like Physics. You should always remember that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
  • 19: Disrespecting your parents.
    This is something that I cannot stand. I would never knowingly disrespect either of my parents, even though my relationship with my mum significantly outweighs the relationship I have with my dad. we may have had our problems in the past but it has never been something that wasn’t easily set right.
  • 20: How important you think education is.
    I think it is extremely important because not only does it teach Maths, English and Science but it also the place where you learn to bond with people, make life long friends and get social interaction that you probably wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else. It also gives you a better future because it teaches you to work hard for the things you want.
  • 21: One of your favorite shows.
    It has to be Dexter. It is such a brilliant show. It could also be classed as a social experiment as you know he is a serial killer and he is doing bad thing but you cannot help but root for him every time he nearly gets caught. Essentially he is one of the bad guys but you can’t help but love him. Plus Michael C Hall is a fantastic actor.
  • 22: How have you changed in the past 2 years?
    Hard to see really. I think I have started to put myself first. I was forever putting the needs and feelings of others before my own. I have learnt to stand my ground and say no when there is something that I don’t want to do.

  • 23:Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.

  • 24: Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
    Rocknrolla. I think it is my favourite because it has got everything you want from a film; action, comedy, romance, and it is the only film I have ever seen that has a gay gangster in it, who goes by the name of Handsome Bob!

  • 25: Someone who fascinates you and why.
    The author Chuck Palahniuk. The main reason is because his books are the most twisted, sickening books I have ever read but at the same time they are so engaging that you find them hard to put down. After reading almost all of his books. I can safely say the Haunted is my favourite as it combines poetry and short stories with blood, guts and cannibalism.

  • 26: What kind of person attracts you.
    Someone who is funny, that likes to talk but is also good at listening. Has to have tattoos and maybe a beard. Be taller than me and can cooks and likes his food.

  • 27: A problem that you have had.
    Trying to find out who I am. Slowly but surely I think I am getting there.

  • 28: Something that you miss.
    It’s not an object but people. My best friend who lives in Cornwall and my mum who lives in Lincolnshire. I feel torn between wanting to be closer to the both of them.

  • 29: Goals for the next 30 days.
    Get tattooed. Survive a hellish Christmas day dinner. Keep on track with my weight loss. Make plans for the New Year. Make New Years Resolutions that I will never keep. Find out what is going on with my knee.

  • 30: Your highs and lows of this month.
    No high points just low ones. Seems like everything is starting to get better then it all goes to shit again.