After a long conversation on the phone the other night, with my mum. I have finally realized my dream and I am going to do it next year. No more excuses, no more planning for years down the line. It is time do it. And I know that all the shit that has gone on these past few months and that is still going on, will be totally worth it. I need this and I know that it is going to change my life. For the better. There are things that I need to get in order before I officially know that I am going. But they will be but minor speed bumps in the grand scheme of things.
As my sadness started to subside, I pushed him away from me and forced myself back into the chair I had previously been occupying. I started to wipe my eyes with my sleeve. I was holding back more tears as he aimlessly stood in the mess I had made on the floor. I had the words in my head but my tongue and brain weren’t working in sync. The clock was still ticking away adding a depressing cadence to this painful situation. I abruptly pushed the chair away and went to the kitchen window and fixed my eyes on the end of out garden. I felt like I was stuck in a time loop. Destined to play out the same scene over and over again because I felt too useless and afraid to break this awful silence.
The weather outside seemed to sum up the storm between us. Neither of us talking or moving, just frozen in place. Like uncomfortable statues, placed in the drab corner of a museum that no-one ever seems to visit. Just growing older and looking weary from all the cards that we have been dealt. Like somehow we need a re-invention. But we neither had the power nor the intelligence to do so. Time kept passing with us standing mere centimetres apart but somehow it felt like a whole canyon.