As the four of us sat round the dinner table on the Sunday nights I always dread, and it always seems so one sided. All the men/boys sat on one side and me, the only girl, sat on the other. The gap may only be a few centimetres but to me it seems like a void of a million miles. A canyon I feel I could never cross. And the food, left a lot to be desired, but after all you never put much effort in. Only if the boys were coming, that made things different.
Not only can I hear the television blaring in the background, I can also feel the vibration from a volume that is far too high for this supposedly relaxed, social family situation. It made me cringe, cringe at how uncomfortable and out of place I felt, in what is meant to be my kitchen, in my home. But somehow you manage to take that away from me.
As you praised son number 3, I could feel the words rising and I realize there are a million and one things I want to say to you. And I know most of them are not nice. So I bite my tongue, drift away and imagine what it would be like to tell you what I was really feeling, way down, in the depths of my soul.
I wish there was some way I could tell you, how insignificant you make me feel. How you don’t really seem to know at all. I do wish I could tell you how I feel like you have let me down and that somehow I have done the same to you.
I can recall all the times you have lied to me and kept me waiting for the things you promised to do. What would you say if you knew that I feel pushed out and used but someone who is meant to love me, protect me and be there when I need it the most.
But all you seem to do is judge me and make me feel worthless. I cannot count the amount of times I have sat in my room and cried. Cried out of hurt and frustration. Because I know I could never cry in front of you, because to you it’s a sign of weakness.
Sometimes all I want is to know that you care and a hug wouldn’t be a bad thing. Although you can’t even do that, but for the boys that’s a different matter. They get all the love and affection that they want and what you think they need. So where does that leave me?
I wish you knew how hard these past few years have been for me. I always managed to be strong and that I always picked myself up and forced myself to carry on. When deep down in my heart and soul, I just wanted to give up. For the ground to swallow me whole. That as I get older, I feel like I should be able to tell you this things, but I know it wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference.
So as you turn to ask me some random meaningless question, I tune back in and plaster on the well perfected, worn in smile that I have learnt to use when I want to hide the truth.
If only you could see the cracks that lurk beneath the surface. Like the cracks in the skin of the universe. They have a start, it’s just one that no one knows it’s beginnings or when and where it will end.